Old Sorrows

 ----written in the winter of 1987

 

The innocent, friendly Albatross, appeared in Coleridge's "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner", reminds me of something happened long ago. 

In the earlier years of my life, I was timid as a rabbit. None could stop my tears except Mom's hugs. Shy enough, I refused others' hugs or kisses, including my father's. Whenever he tried to be close to me, I burst out crying. Father sighed, looking at me with his warm, worried eyes.

Skinny and delicate, I inclined to illness. Serious coughs deterred me from attending a kindergarten or chasing after playmates on streets. Quietly lying in bed, staring at the sunning blue skies, playing my elder brother's glass balls  and some beautiful stamps became my daily routine. Seldom did I go out, the gas exhausted from cars or buses made me vomit.

One day my father announced a new plan on dinner table. To encourage me getting stronger, he would give me one dollar if I ate one bowl of rice every meal. That arose my elder brother's and elder sister's protest, "That's not fair! She is always so special." Despite the protest, Father carried out his plan. Day by day, I became the richest child in my family.

Christmas was coming . Though my parents worshiped Budda, we still had a Christmas tree in our living room decorated with small bulbs. It brought wonderful, brilliant light twinkled during the night, and that arouse me to make many beautiful wishes though I kept them in my mind.

One winter evening, my younger sister asked me to go out with her. Unwillingly, I put on my heavy coat, following her and wondering what should happen. Having passed a narrow wet lane,  she stopped before a candy shop. She stared eagerly at a candy stick hung highly by a hook while I shook my head solemnly to warn her and wondering how she dared play so dirty a trick. At once the owner appeared smiling and asking what we wanted. In a second he plucked the candy stick and put it into my sister's little palm. Then he stood there watching my younger sister happily unfolded the cover of the candy stick and began to lick it; I stood there like a stranger. Impatiently, the owner drew a long face and shouted hollowly, "Money?" Embarrassed and furious, I turned blush. Slowly I gave him some money from my tightened fist. On the way home I scolded my younger sister bitterly while she tasted her "present" innocently and happily.

It is an old sorrowful story for me. Every time I think of it, I regret with wet eyes. What made my Papa hide an apple  in my little pocket though I said "No" but in my heart I really wanted one? How could Mom see through me before I asked her to buy a ten-teeth piano? I cannot find any excuse to forgive my stinginess. For many years I have kept it secretly. I even cannot make sure if my younger sister still remembers my foolishness. So significant and unforgettable, it seals in my memory deeply that as long as I live I shall never forget it ...